Commissioner B.’s Christmas dream

La vie du site, , ,

Hey, Juchremans! Russia’s attacks on Ukraine are ramping up, Israel continues to “defend” itself by annexing the West Bank, under the tender although (ever so)slightly disapproving gaze of its genocide partner, itself closely monitored by the BMW team, world’s fossil fuel emissions rise and rise but, thank God, Kim Kardashian’s shapewear brand Skims have reached their all time best, hitting $5bn valuation!

Meanwhile, Commissioner B. has had a strange Christmas dream…

*     *     *

That Christmas morning, Commissioner B. had an excuse for feeling sluggish. Two, in fact. The first, purely metabolic, was the empty bottle of “Teeling Brabazon Bottling Series 1” sitting on the coffee table next to an empty glass. As a rule he didn’t drink much but, coming home last night, he needed to get rid of the smell of disinfectant and hospital medicine that Dr. Doux and… “Hot Lips” (see second excuse) had generously passed along to him in Edelman’s overheated office.

The second excuse was the relentless flashbacks of a mind-boggling Christmas dream. A dream inspired by one of his father’s favorite movies, a masterpiece of anti-army dark humor that he himself had discovered with gleeful delight years after its release: “M*A*S*H.” In his remake, the scene where O’Houlihan, the psycho-rigid nurse, ends up getting laid by major Frank Burns (“Frank! Kiss my burning lips!”) took place in the straw of a nativity scene! With him in the role of “Frank Melchior » and Janique Goulard as “Hot Lips.” “Gaspard” Edelman and “Balthazar” Doux didn’t miss a thing, the bastards! They even encouraged him to honor harder and harder the cheeky girl, whose cries of recognition filled the sacred stable.

However, at one point, he had had doubts about the real meaning of his partner’s increasingly loud display of emotion. “Hot Lips” was desperately waving an arm toward the baby Jesus, whose face was turning blue. The divine infant was choking! So much so that, sacrificing the promise of an orgasm she had been eagerly anticipating a second earlier, Janique “Hot Lips” Goulard had energetically pushed him away and rushed to the rescue of the Son of God. Grabbing Baby Jesus by the feet she had shaken Him vigorously, so that He would spit out the indigestible pacifier. That was when it had become obvious that the Sacred Baby was wearing soccer cleats…

 

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Encounter of the weird kind

La vie du site, , ,

Who cares about Pochtrump, that bigoted BMW puppet of a dictator, and his war criminal buddies, when you can enjoy “Commissioner B. goes south,” chilling out quietly in slippers by the fire, after sweating all day on those motherfucking pyramids?

*     *     *

About a hundred yards down the road from the sign he spotted a small forest path on the right. Was it precognition? Sixth sense? Extreme caution in unfamiliar territory? He slowed down to a crawl. The next second, the reason for this irrational move emerged from the  path. At first, he thought it was a deer or a wild boar. Except that wild boars rarely run on their hind legs. He slammed on the brakes. As surprised as he was, the creature stopped dead in its tracks and stood there, hypnotized by the fog lights. If it wasn’t a boar, it sure had the fur. Long, shaggy hair and a thick beard covered the face that protruded from the thick canvas jacket, buttoned up to the collar.

Before the individual tried to shield them from the sudden light, B. had seen his eyes. They were filled with intense fear. The din coming on his tail made him turn around in panic. Returning to the hood of the car, he stretched out an arm as if to prevent it from starting up again and running him over. Half a second later he had crossed the road and disappeared into the woods on the other side.

Surprisingly for a cop, when forced to choose, Commissioner B.  tended to side with the hunted rather than the hunter.  He figured that by moving forward just a little, he would block the exit from the path…

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The world will know

La vie du site, , ,

Okay people, let’s forget for a moment  we’re here toiling away like Pyramid builders back in ancient Egypt. Haven’t I told you about my friend Commissioner B. ? Want a sample?

*     *     *

Atmosphere. After turning the massage parlor graciously sponsored by his mother-in-law into a brothel, the jealous husband would film his wife/business partner’s services!

“Pictures and sound, gentlemen! Pictures and sound! Decency compels me to skip the pictures…” A lewd chuckle (mingled with a hint of bitterness), “…As for the sound, the conversations of these unscrupulous slanderers leave no doubt as to their willingness to sacrifice their respective families on the altar of their guilty passion.”

But where had this child from the suburbs of Bangkok learned to speak so learnedly? From the local officials who jostled at the door of his exotic bordello? Had the honorable intellectuals, writers, artists, and politicians (some of whom were quick to proclaim,  on television or elsewhere, the indescribable joy of being unbuttoned by a child) given him private lessons?

“The world will know, Commissioner! The world will know all about their plan to run away together! Like thieves! Leaving Port-Léon without anyone knowing! To go and settle in the countryside! That scoundrel of a farang claimed he was about to inherit a castle! A castle, Commissioner! Ah, you should have heard him speculating about his own mother’s death, that good-for-nothing! Date after date, he worked her up into a frenzy, that loose woman…”

“Less than nothing,” “loose woman.” More delightfully vintage expressions gleaned from prostate-dependent gentlemen, fervent believers in essential oil body rubs…

“…Like they were going to start over from scratch… Set up a bed and breakfast, rent out rooms, or whatever… The ‘high life’, as they say…”

As they used to say, dude. It’s about time you brushed up on your linguistic fundamentals. Ask Chef Poiret to set you up with Netflix. Or listen to a little K-pop, may be…

 

Read more? Download Commissioner B. goes south

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Who’s who (EN/FR)

Ecce Homo, ,

Hey, Juchremans! Not so hot this morning! Thank God, next to the trash cans you’ll find loads of warm and cozy cardboard boxes for the lucky little ones who, summer and winter alike, enjoy life in the great open air!

Since it’s Sunday, we’re offering you a couple of new excerpts from Homo juchremanensis. Just another version of the birth of the « third thief »… And the mysterious mystery that goes with it.

Chap 2 : ABRAHAM WASHES WHITER/ 3. Company chart

[…]

And yet, would you believe that back in the +600s, at the headquarters of the new Chosen People, they weren’t sure they’d made the most of a theory of life so juicy for Holy Growth. […]

*     *     *

United States of America / headquarters of the multinational Procter & Gamble, year + 1967

– Gamble, you asleep?

– Nope. You, Procter?

– Course not, I’m talking to you.

– And ?

– And according to our latest market study, worldwide demand for washing machines has jumped again, while our combined sales of Bonux and Dash are stagnating a little…

– Let me guess, Procter! You’re saying it might be time to release a new label before Unilever grazes us!

– You read my mind, Gambly boy! I’ve even thought of a possible angle of attack. It was those hippy-dippy, back-to-nature bastards who gave it to me, you’ll laugh! Our next baby – “Ariel” is a nice name, don’t you think? – would stand out from the rest with its entirely BIO-LO-GIC formula!

– What do you mean by that?

– Absolutely nothing, that’s the whole idea! Now let me reassure you: like always, it will cost us dedicated packaging, period. As for the rest, business as usual!

– Procter, I love you! And I’m going to love Ariel, the first bionogenic washing powder in the free world!

– Biologic, Gamble, biologic…

*     *     *

[…]

To sum up:

1/ Ishmael is Abraham’s eldest son BUT conceived out of wedlock.

2/ Isaac is the legal fruit of the union between Sarah and Abraham BUT the youngest of the siblings.

…If not the least of the worries of biblical history buffs! For, to this day, the enigma of the “ almost sacrificed son ” remains unsolved. Which of Ishmael (Isma’il) or Isaac was used to test Abraham/Ibrahim’s faith ?

… Read Homo juchremanensis and form your own opinion about the founding disputes that contributed to making our entry into the AGE OF HUMANITY impossible! — for now 😉

Kindle/ Epub

 

(FR)

Salut les Juchréman(e)s! Pas chaud ce matin ! Bah, à côté des poubelles y a plein de cartons d’emballages bien chauds et si confortables pour les petit(e)s veinard(e)s qui, été comme hiver, profitent de la vie au grand air !

Comme c’est dimanche, on vous propose d’autres passages d’Homo juchrémanensis. Une version comme une autre de la naissance du troisième larron… Et du mystère mystérieux qui lui est consubstantiel.

Chap 2 : ABRAHAM LAVE PLUS BLANC/ 3. Organigramme

[…]

Et pourtant, le croiriez-vous, dans les années + 600, au siège du nouveau Peuple élu, on est  pas certain d’avoir tiré le maximum d’une théorie du vivant aussi juteuse pour la Sainte Croissance. […]

*   *   *

États-Unis d’Amérique / siège de la multinationale Procter & Gamble, année + 1967

– Gamble, tu dors ?

– Non, et toi Procter ?

– Non, puisque je te parle.

– Et ?

– Et à en croire notre dernière étude de marché, la demande mondiale en machines à laver a encore fait un bond pas possible alors que nos ventes de Bonux et Dash conjuguées stagnent un chouïa…

– Laisse-moi deviner, Procter ! Tu te dis qu’il serait temps de sortir un nouveau label avant qu’Unilever nous broute l’herbe sous le pied !

– Tu lis dans mes pensées, Gambly boy ! J’ai même pensé à un angle d’attaque innovant. Tu vas rire mais ce sont ces grands couillons de hippies et leur délire de retour à la nature qui me l’ont soufflé ! Notre prochain bébé – « Ariel » c’est un joli nom, tu trouves pas ? – se distinguerait des autres par sa formule entièrement BIO-LO-GIQUE !

– Qu’est-ce que t’entends par là, Proc ?

– Rien du tout, c’est ça l’idée ! Comme d’hab’ ça nous coûterait un emballage dédié, point barre. Pour le reste, la routine ! On change une molécule çà et là et on balance tout sur le même circuit de fabrication / promotion / distribution…

– Procter, je t’aime ! Et je sens que je vais aimer Ariel, la première lessive bionogique du monde libre !

– BioLogique, Gamble, biologique…

[…]

Nous retiendrons que :

1/ Ismaël est l’aîné des fils d’Abraham MAIS conçu hors mariage.

2/ Isaac est le fruit légitime de l’union entre Sarah et Abraham MAIS le cadet de la fratrie.

..Sinon celui des soucis des passionnés d’histoire biblique ! Car, à ce jour, l’énigme du « fils presque sacrifié » n’est toujours pas élucidée. Qui d’Ismaël (Isma’il) ou d’Isaac a servi à tester la profondeur de la foi d’Abraham/ Ibrahim ?

*     *     *

… Lisez Homo juchrémanensis et faites-vous votre propre opinion sur les querelles fondatrices qui ont contribué à rendre impossible notre accession à l’ÈRE DE L’HUMANITÉ ! — pour l’instant 😉

Epub/ Kindle

Rocking all over the world (EN/FR)

La vie du site, , ,

According to our statistical analysis software, fyr visitors are increasingly spread across the planet: United States, France, Ireland, Germany, Netherlands, Bangladesh, United Kingdom, China, Portugal, Sweden, Hong Kong, Canada, United Arab Emirates, Turkey, Italy, Switzerland, Croatia, Madagascar, Vietnam, Japan, Singapore, Brazil, Australia, Ukraine, Belgium.

We welcome them all and wholeheartedly encourage them to download and read Homo juchremanensis* and, in doing so, clarify their understanding of a prehistoric society in which we are all trying, with increasing difficulty, to survive… Without losing hope of one day entering HUMAN HISTORY.

As a welcome gift, below is a résumé of Hj’s chap II : ABRAHAM WASHES WHITER/ 1. Business plan

 

United States of America, headquarters of the multinational Procter & Gamble, year + 1964

– Say, Gamble…

– Yes, Procter?

– Our Bonux sales have taken a serious nosedive in recent months, haven’t they?

– Yep! What can we do about it?

– I’ve got an idea, but…

– Go on!

– What if we started a new label?

– A new label ??? You must be crazy! After all the money we’ve invested in this one!!!! Research offices, production equipment, advertising circuits, greasing the palms of distributors to secure shelf space…

– Let me just finish, will you? If Bonux sales are plummeting, it’s not for lack of a growing demand in washing powder – the washing machine market is exploding – but clearly because the consumer’s favorite sin is that he wants to have a choice. Or at least believe that he has one! This is the free world, Gamble! We’re not in Moscow!

– Hell no, Procter! Thank God we’re not in Cuba either!

– So what’s stopping us from carrying on selling our most treasured Bonux AND AT THE SAME TIME promoting another washing powder? We’d call it… I don’t know … “Dash” ?

– “Dash” sounds ok to me but…

– But what Gamble? Same basic ingredients as for Bonux, same manufacturing plants… All we have to do is come up with some original packaging…

– I see… “Encourage competition and pocket the profit!” The ABCs of liberal economics!

*     *     *

End of interlude. Back to real life. Jerusalem, year 000 minus a few years… high time to launch a new, less explicitly xenophobic ELAC (Eternal Life Access Code) on the GOS (Grand Ontological Scare) market, wide open to a clientele which – exponentiality obliges – would provide the Abrahamic software with a market of the greatest… “interest”!

On the understanding that this hypothetical “New Testament” should not replace the “Old ”, but would rather be cleverly superimposed on it. And, of course, it should not call into question “special mother company” clauses such as, say :

Devarim (Deuteronomy) 15

1 “Every seven years, you shall perform the law of remission.

  1. This is the meaning of this remission: every creditor must remit his debt, what he has lent to his neighbor. He shall not coerce his brother, once the remission has been proclaimed in honor of the Lord.
  2. You may coerce a stranger, but what your brother owes you, let your hand forsake. »

Bearing in mind that « stranger », « brother » and the like are but words! Between liberal monotheists of good will, there’ll always be a way to work things out…

 

*Kindle/ Epub

 

À en croire notre logiciel d’analyses statistiques, les visiteurs(euses) de fyr sont de plus en plus largement répartis à la surface de la planète : USA, France, Irlande, Allemagne, Pays Bas, Bangladesh, Royaume-Uni, Chine, Portugal, Suède, Hong Kong, Canada, Émirats arabes unis, Turquie, Italie, Suisse, Croatie, Madagascar, Vietnam, Japon, Singapour, Brésil, Australie, Ukraine, Belgique. Nous leur souhaitons la bienvenue à toutes et tous et les encourageons du fond du cœur à télécharger et à lire Homo juchrémanensis* et, ce faisant, à clarifier leur compréhension d’une société préhistorique dans laquelle nous essayons toutes et tous, de plus en plus difficilement, de survivre… Sans pour autant perdre espoir d’un jour entrer dans l’ ÂGE HUMAIN.

Ci-après, en cadeau de bienvenue, extrait de Hj, un condensé du chap II : ABRAHAM LAVE PLUS BLANC/ 1. Business plan

Etats-Unis d’Amérique / siège de la multinationale Procter & Gamble, année + 1964

– Dis donc, Gamble…

– Oui, Procter ?

– Tu as noté que nos ventes Bonux avaient grave plongé ces derniers mois ?

– Un peu que j’ai noté ! Qu’est-ce qu’on pourrait faire pour redresser le cap ?

– J’ai bien une idée mais…

– Dis toujours…

– Si on lançait un nouveau label ?

– Un nouveau label ??? Avec toute la thune qu’on a investie sur celui-ci !!! Bureaux de recherche, matériel de production, circuits de pub, graissages de pattes des distributeurs pour s’assurer les têtes de gondole…

– Laisse-moi finir, tu veux ? Si les ventes Bonux piquent du nez c’est pas faute d’une demande croissante en lessive – le marché des machines à laver explose – mais clairement parce que le consommateur, son péché mignon c’est qu’il veut avoir le choix. Ou du moins croire qu’il a le choix ! On est le monde libre, Gamble ! On est pas à Moscou !

– Ça non Procter ! Grâce à Dieu ! Pas à Cuba non plus !

– Bon alors qu’est-ce qui nous empêche de continuer à vendre notre Bonux ET EN MÊME TEMPS  promouvoir une autre lessive ? On l’appellerait, je sais pas … « Dash » ?

–  Mouais ça sonne pas mal mais…

–  Mais quoi ? Quasiment pas un rond d’investissement, vu qu’on reprendrait les ingrédients de base de Bonux à une ou deux molécules près histoire de, les mêmes usines de fabrication… Faudrait juste bricoler un nouveau packaging…

– Sacré Procter ! « Encourage la concurrence et empoche la différence ! » ! Le B, A-BA de l’économie libérale !

*   *   *

Fin de l’intermède. Retour à la vraie vie : Jérusalem, an 000 moins quelques années[… ]Il serait donc plus que temps de lancer sur le marché de la GTO (Grande Trouille Ontologique) un nouveau CAVE (Code d’Accès à la Vie Éternelle) moins explicitement xénophobe, disons même large ouvert à une clientèle qui – exponentialité oblige – représenterait pour les promoteurs de la Torah un marché du plus grand… « intérêt »! Étant entendu que cet hypothétique « Nouveau Testament » ne se substituerait pas à l’ « Ancien » mais viendrait ingénieusement se superposer à lui. Sans remettre en question des clauses « spéciales maison-mère » comme :

Devarim (Deutéronome) 15

  1. « Tous les sept ans, tu pratiqueras la loi de rémission.
  2. Voici le sens de cette rémission: tout créancier doit faire remise de sa créance, de ce qu’il aura prêté à son prochain. Il n’exercera pas de contrainte contre son prochain et son frère, dès qu’on a proclamé la rémission en l’honneur du Seigneur.
  3. L’étranger, tu peux le contraindre; mais ce que ton frère aura à toi, que ta main l’abandonne. »

Étant entendu qu’ « étranger », « frère », des mots tout ça ! Entre monothéistes libéraux de bonne volonté, il y aurait toujours moyen de s’arranger…

 

* Epub/ Kindle